Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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