Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
