I'm so fucking centered right now
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
