I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
