At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
