He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
