I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
