mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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