I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
