Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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