I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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