Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
