I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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