she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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