I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
pray to the hookup gods
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
