he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Randomize
