you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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