It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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