you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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