I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
