ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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