he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
