It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
