You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
