he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
