Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
