Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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