Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
