The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
