I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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