just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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