The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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