I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she peed on how many people?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
