Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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