I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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