the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Two words: blizzard sex
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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