I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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