i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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