I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
