I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
