To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
