piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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