If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
