dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
