just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
