my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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