i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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