Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
