my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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