she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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