The maid of honor just puked.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
